Snow Day

Today was our second big snow of the season. It began snowing around 10:30 this morning and has continued steadily. We have about 3 to 4 inches on the ground and expect to see another 4 after midnight. As soon as the kids came in from school(they got lucky, it was a half day!) they immediately wanted to play outside. There is something about having snow on the ground that makes the temperature outside insignificant. As fast as they could, they headed out looking like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. So layered and padded with undergarments and outerwear they could barely put their arms down. We have some common ground 2 doors down that has the perfect sledding hill. They spent a little time on the hill and decided to head to the woods behind our house. They love those woods. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, they could play, explore and pretend for hours. We finally got smart and started sending them with the walkie talkie so we could communicate and make sure all was well. Once hunger sets in, Macie and Chase head home. They come in and peel all their clothes off in the laundry room. They settle in for some hot chocolate and marshmallows. About 1/2 hour later, there is a small knock on the door. It's Owen. I swear, he is the toughest kid I know. He could(and most times does) stay out the longest. I bet he went up and down that hill 1000 times before he realized his siblings had left him. The excitement of the day has left them tired. Owen is already in bed by 7:30 and Macie and Chase are headed soon. As we are unwinding, the phone rings and it's my neighbor. She tells me that school has been cancelled. When I tell the kids, they shriek with joy and look forward bed. One step closer to another day in the snow!

Talent Show Video

Here is the dance routine that Macie and Chase did with their friends, Chandler, Madison and Shane. Also the "Fabulous" routine with Macie, her classmates and teacher!

Date Night p.s.

We had a blast!! We spent four hours eating, drinking and talking with our friends!!! Spent way too much money between drinks, dinner and a sitter but it was well worth it!!

Talent Show

Last night brought me back, way back. Back to the days at Walker School when my best friend, Tiffany and I would perform in our schools' talent show. It was something we looked forward to every year. Last night, Macie and Chase performed in "John Weldon Live." Macie did "Fabulous," from Disney's High School Musical 2, a song and dance routine with two girls from her class and her teacher. They spent their recess for the last month practicing. Macie, Chase and three of the their friends performed "Work This Out" also from HSM2. I have to say(and I'm not biased at all!!) that they were so good! I actually think their routine together stole the show! They performed second to last out of 41 acts. When Chase broke out his break dancing moves, the crowd went wild! Somehow I will find a way to post it on YouTube and include the link for you to see for yourselves. I was so proud of how hard they worked and how much fun they had!!! When we got home Macie said, "That felt so good!" and she's right, it felt good for everyone!!!

Date Night

I have to say, it has been awhile since Stew and I actually spent any time together. We are physically in each other's presence much of the time but it is time rarely about us. Late at night, after all the backs have been scratched and all the night-nights have been said we find time to talk if we are lucky enough to keep our eyes open. Even then, it's often about something going on with one of our kids, school, finances, family... It's rare that we get to focus only on each other. Tonight we are meeting 2 couples for dinner. I am so excited to actually do my hair, put on make-up and wear something that is not covered in snot from the runny nose that Avery has had for much of January. We get to talk and not worry about whose little ears are listening. I can't wait!!!

Deep Thoughts

Tonight I was reading the blog posts to Owen and I became tearful. He asked me why I was crying and I told him "b/c I'm sad you guys are growing up. I want you to stay babies forever." He very sweetly and honestly replied "but we want to drive someday mom!"
Too funny! He keeps me laughing.:)

Holding on and Letting Go

It dawned on me this morning as I was playing with Avery that parenthood is a series of holding on and letting go. She's crawling, pulling up, standing and cruising. Well on her way to taking her first major steps(literally and figuratively) towards independence. Each time I would put her down to explore, she would make sure I was near. She wanted to stand and do her thing with the safety and security of knowing I was right there. When I would try and walk away or accomplish some household task that I deemed important, she would crawl back to me and want me to hold her. She was telling me in her way to let the other things go and focus only on her. It's the curse of motherhood, finding a balance between all the things that need to be done and making the time for the truly important task of raising your children. As she approaches her first birthday, I am saddened that she is the last of our babies. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I could handle another, but knowing that these will be the last first steps, first words...I can't help but long for that tiny baby I held in my arms just one year ago. The one who I worked so hard to deliver but has given me nothing but joy since her arrival. I know you can't hold on to them forever and that most of my job is preparing them to be let go. I see Macie, Chase and Owen taking steps away from me every day and now Avery is right behind them. I hope when it's all said and done I've given them what they need to fly on their own even though all I really want to do is hold on tight.

Big O

Is it possible for a 4 year old to be a stalker? I go from room to room with a constant shadow. Owen literally follows me everywhere. I tell him to find something to do and he says, "I am, I'm watching you." I tell him to find a toy and he says "I'd rather just be with you." He watches me clean, cook, bathe, eat, sometimes he even comes to my bed at night and just stands there. You name it, he's there. Aside from all the stalking, he is also a motormouth. He asks me so many questions and tells me so many stories I sometimes feel like my head will explode! It's like he's trying to figure out the world out loud. I sometimes tell him my ears are in time out and need a break just so I can have some peace and quiet. His preschool teacher told me he was hard to figure out b/c he was so shy and quiet in class. I had to laugh b/c this certainly is not the Owen that lives with me. He does give the best hugs and kisses and constantly tells me how much he loves me. He has the sweetest brown eyes and a grin that will surely get him into and out of a lot of trouble. His true belly laugh is to die for. Occasionally I get annoyed with all the "watching" and "talking" but someday I know I will yearn for him to be close to me. For now I'll just let him watch me and talk all he wants and hope it lasts just a little bit longer.

11 Years

January 18, 1997. It's the date my mom died 11 years ago. I will never forget coming home that night to an answering machine full of messages. I joked " look how popular we are!" then I saw the blinking lights and heard the same messages over and over. There must have been 15 of them, "Susan, this is your dad, call home." or "Susan, it's your sister, call me." I knew immediately that something was very bad and when I finally reached my father and heard the words "your mom died tonight," my life was forever changed both bad and good.

The Bad:

Obviously, the death of your mom has a lifelong impact. It changes you in a way that can't be described. As I look back over the last 11 years, it's hard to believe how much she has missed. Basically my entire married life and the birth of all 4 of our children. There are so many things I have wanted to ask her over the years about marriage, life and especially children. My kids often ask me " if you could spend the day with anyone, who would it be?" I always answer the same, "my mom." I would spend the day introducing her to her grandchildren and watching them just soak her up. I would hug her and smell her and rub her feet like I did as a kid.

The Good things:

Stewart

In a strange way, her death has brought me closer to my husband. We had only been married 7 weeks when she died. The strain that this put on such a young marriage is unimaginable. I can only thank Stew for being such a quiet source of strength for me in a time of profound grief. He was and is my rock. I can remember coming home from work and just sobbing in his arms. For him, the youngest of 3 boys in a pretty stoic family, this was a big deal. In fact, one of the few times I have seen him cry was at the death of my mom. My mom loved Stew and she doted on him whenever she could. I know he felt that loss as greatly as I did, but he remained solid, knowing that what I really needed was a soft place to land.

Elizabeth

My sister and I were close before, but we were truly united through our grief. There wasn't another person in the world who knew exactly how it felt except her. I could call her and she could just tell by the tone of my voice that I was struggling. We'd sit on the phone and just cry together until it passed. She's also my roadmap to motherhood. With no one to talk to about the day to day struggles of raising children, she has certainly fielded her fair share of panicked phone calls and talked me off the ledge of desperation. When Macie was a baby and wasn't nursing well, she talked me through the whole thing over the phone. To my children, she has been their biggest cheerleader. She's the one they call when they've lost their first tooth, ridden a two wheeler for the first time or gotten an A on their report card. She's the one who really cares about what they are doing on a day to day basis. I know it's cliche but she really is the best sister I could have ever asked for!

Mitzi

If ever there were a silver lining in a sea of grey, it's my mother-in-law. I often wonder if I would be as close to her as I am if my mom had not died. She is just such an amazing woman with such an inner strength. She has truly shown me how to be a good mother, wife and person. She is so good to me and my children it's unbelievable. Just when I begin to doubt myself as a parent, she provides me with encouragement. She knows exactly what needs to be done when she visits and steps in quetly without having to be asked and without stepping on any toes in the process. For a mother-in-law, I'm sure that is a fine line and she does it perfectly. I feel like she loves me unconditionally and she has seen me at my worst. I can't imagine a life without her and am forever grateful to have her in my life.

Me

Not having a mother has made me so much more compassionate. It has truly made me reevaluate my life and put things in order. I understand what is important and what is not and try not to get caught up in all the junk that life throws your way. I'm not perfect, but I do put my family first and appreciate every minute of every day that I have with them. They truly are the greatest gift I have ever been given.

I still think about her all the time and tell stories to my kids. I think they feel like they know her a little bit more with each story. The pain today is not nearly as great as it was, especially that first year. I really never thought I'd feel better but I can honestly say that it's rare that I think about her with sadness. Don't get me wrong, I have my days, but for the most part I think about her and remember things she'd say or do. I'll hear a song that reminds me of her, look up to heaven and smile. I know she's there watching over us and waiting patiently until it's our time to join her.