Tuesday, December 16, 2008
My mom's 69th birthday would have been December 20. Each year it sneaks up on me as I find myself extremely weepy and desperately needing time to myself. I am so mixed with emotions. Anticipation for the coming Christmas and the joyous celebration of Christ's birth. The joy in my children's faces and hearts as they too anticipate this sacred and special event. Yet, I also find myself sad and impatient. Sometimes a little too short with them when they ask me one more time if they can open their presents. A little too quick to say no to their pleas to have friends over. Probably a little too short with Stew as well. I guess you would think after 12 years I would know how to handle it. The truth is, I often don't. I miss her so much but it just seems more raw this time of year. I try so hard to hold it all together but I'm finding it harder this year. Maybe my problem is I try to hold it together too much, when I really just need to let the floodgates open.
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I don't think there is a length of time, which could erase missing someone so important to your life. I don't think there is ever a right time to loose someone you love.
I do know one thing for sure, after knowing you in high school and more now (from reading your entries and hearing about you and your family from Molly), I can say with certainty that your mom is most likely looking down and smiling with pride at how beautifully her daughter lives her life. I did not know your mom very well, but she must have been so special to raise such a lovely women... who misses her so much.
Your reactions to this time of year seep in without control and although distracting, they allow you (and your mom - through you) to teach your family about relationships, compassion, perseverance, forgiveness, strength and love. Forgive yourself the shortness in your voice or the need for some alone time - it is all part of "it".
For me, there are no rules to handling missing someone. Hold it together - when you choose, open the flood gates - when needed, accept the hugs - when offered... but know that all those feelings which come and go throughout the year and culminate around December 20 - everything you are feeling - means that you loved your mom back with the same intensity - and that is worth everything! Those kinds of relationships are shared magic and the blessings are the memories left behind.
Over the year's, I am sure, this part of missing your mom will find a place within you that doesn't allow for the deep aches. They will be replaced with the joy of having been blessed with such a wonderful mom at a time of your life - so truly heartfelt.
God has a plan and that is what keeps us all a float – at least, that is how I see it.
I wish you joy and peace.
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